Warning: this post discusses suicide and self-harm
If you heard the most recent episode of my podcast The Gatekeepers, you probably found it harrowing. The entire show was an in-depth, pretty graphic, re-telling of Molly Russell’s story. Molly was 14 years old when she killed herself in late 2017, after viewing vast amounts of self-hate and self-harm content on social media.
You likely know the story already. But you might not know the sort of posts Molly viewed, how she viewed them, and why such content was so available to a young teenager. (The episode also covers the all-important but technical difference between ways of measuring online harm, which I also wrote about here).
Several people have been in touch saying it was a tough listen – especially parents. It was meant to be. My view is that parents sometimes have an (understandable) tendency to bury their heads in the sand when it comes to the risks their children face online. The consequence is that young people navigate that world alone. The more you know – even if it’s grim and disturbing – the better equipped you are to help.
This was also the reason I wrote the book The Dark Net in 2014. It has a chapter about self-harm forums, which I spent months browsing. (If anyone wants further information, I can post some extracts from that book).
Parents often ask me what they should do if they suspect their children are viewing self-harm or self-hate content. So just before the latest episode aired, I phoned Molly Russell’s father Ian, and asked him what advice he has for parents that might be worried.
“It’s a really hard question to answer” he tells me “It’s such an individual thing. Each family and each child within a family will be different”. But there are three things he said, which could probably apply to pretty much everyone.
The first is to keep a channel of communication going between the generations.
“The overarching rule is that parents regularly talk to their children, and children feel it’s no problem coming to their parents if they need”. How? Being present yourself helps, he reckons. (I agree: too many parents, myself included, drift unto endless scrolling when our kids are busy. No wonder they do it too.). More specifically Ian suggests “finding ways to incorporate a conversation about online dangers within a wider chat – and make sure you talk about the good parts of digital life too.” And do not push too hard, because the last thing you want is your child to become distanced, or afraid to talk.
Ian Russell, speaking to the BBC in 2020.
The second thing is set rules – but remember they might change as the technology does. Ian’s house had a rule: the family always ate at the dinner table together, without phones. He wishes, however, he’d added a second: no phones in the bedroom at night. We now know that Molly would spend hours alone, viewing depressing content on her phone, late at night. And no-one knew.
Interestingly, there was a six-year age gap between Molly and her eldest sister. When the eldest first had a phone, it was a dumb brick – a Nokia 3310 perhaps. That was allowed in the bedroom at night, because it had no internet access and doubled up as an alarm clock. Having established that rule for one, it was hard to revoke when it was Molly’s turn, aged 11 or 12. But in that six year gap – between 2007 and 2013 phones had been totally transformed. They were no longer phones at all, but mini-laptops.
One lesson – a tricky one to follow, I know – is try to stay on top of the tech. Six years is a long time in technology. If you have two kids – the rules will probably have to change as the technology does.
The third thing is not intuitive at all. If ever your worries change from generic to specific concerns about suicidal thoughts, Ian says directness is the best approach. “There is a natural feeling [among parents] that, if I start bringing up the subject of suicide with my children, it could be dangerous. I thought the same before Molly’s death. But in all the suicide training I’ve been on, the advice is: just ask direct”.
Ian suggest gathering specific reasons you’re worries – for example a sudden withdrawal from hobbies. “Have that list in your head, and very calmly ask: ‘I’ve noticed [concerns A, B, C]. It probably isn’t a problem, but I am worried. Are you thinking about ending your life?’”
“Don’t say ‘how are you’, because they will just say “I’m fine’.”
Some of the posts that Molly was viewing even advised her to just say ‘I’m fine’ if asked. (Including the post below, which was shown in the coroner’s court during the inquest into Molly’s death).
During my research into these self-harm groups, I found that ‘I’m fine’ was something of a cultural norm to mask your true feelings. So you need to phrase a question accordingly.
“It’s not a question to be asked lightly”, Ian says. “Only [ask] if you really do have genuine concerns. But all the evidence suggests, at that point, it’s less dangerous to ask than not. It might be they are just feeling depressed, which isn’t uncommon. But… if they are in that place, one of the hardest things for someone to do is tell anyone. You are giving them the little drawbridge that they might just take.”
The Molly Rose Foundation – set up by Molly’s family after her death – has a huge number of useful resources. Including five places people can contact if they’re concerned – which I’ve added below.